Saturday, May 10, 2014

A Eurovision Warm-Up

Most of you probably hate Eurovision but you’re just lying to yourselves. It’s the passively aggressive political cheesy crapness that makes it fantastic. I probably stick to watching Eurovision every year better than I do celebrating Christmas and with the event only a few weeks away I have trawled through the entries so you don’t have to with my application to be next in line to the BBC Eurovision commentary throne.

Who I want to win:
The Netherlands - I'd actually buy this, meaning it's definitely not going to do well at Eurovision.
Denmark - Bruno Mars’ Scandinavian cousin demonstrates how lyrics mean sweet F all and all you need is a catchy song..
UK (...of course) - The Soviet belt will love this "power to the people" stuff, maybe we have a chance? Ha...

Who will Probably Win:
Sweden - Okay we get it Sweden, you’re good at Eurovision. And everything else...
Armenia - Don't be fooled by the first 2 minutes, it changes pace and gets good.
Hungary - Radio 1 would be all over this if it wasn't Eurovision, plus he’s pretty.

The Worst:
Georgia - Most colourful lyrics, if you can catch them.
France - France obviously have some more pressing issues than Eurovision but this will probably still beat us.
Macedonia - Imagine those women out on hen parties singing karaoke and dancing and you're there.

Other “Highlights”

Albania - Sounds a bit like a poor man’s Shakira filmed on a go-pro at Tentsmuir, at least they take their horse-riding safety seriously - helmets are the new sexy.

Austria - With an innuendo filled name like Conchita Wurst, this had to sound like a Bond theme.

Azerbaijan - If you want to watch a lady grope some instruments and be blown about by a wind machine, then here is what your poison.

Belarus -  Surprisingly, not the only cake euphemism of the year.

Finland - Finland’s answer to One Direction: dip ‘em in bleach and make them sing about death. Classic Finland.

Greece - Ah so this is what they do to the British Lads they arrest in Zanté.

Iceland - The Beastie Boys eccentric cousins reinventing peace and love for Millennials.

Israel -  The angry Israeli women’s 'Single ladies'.

Latvia - A song about the munchies. Thank you Latvia.

Malta - Tonight Matthew we want to be Mumford and Sons.

Norway - Keeping out of tradition as ever..

Poland - Britain, what have you done to Poland.

Portugal - Ricky Martin chundered on Portugal.

Russia - Sochi seems to have blown Russia's budget this year.

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